The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
