I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
