we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
