Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
