my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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