More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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