My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
