I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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