What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize