Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
my shit smells like andre
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
