my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
