i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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