I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
