Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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