Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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