Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
