I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
