i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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