fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
So gin and wine won't be happening again
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
