Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
