My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
