i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
