Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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