I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
