i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
