he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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