Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
