I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Randomize
