omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
