I feel great
I just peed on a car
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
