I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
My bed smells like the plague
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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