I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
