Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
