i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize