My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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