I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
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