is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize