He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize