I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
