i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
