stop calling my apartment porn island.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
