We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
