How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
