I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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