Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
