I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
