It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize