I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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