I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
