i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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