my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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