btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
