Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
