Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
