you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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