I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
