dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I love you.
Bad choice
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize