How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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